Talking to TWE (The Wicked Evangelist aka Chew) has helped though. Without her, I’ll probably spiral into depression. It’s like we can talk crap and she still manages to put everything in perspective and make things a lot better. Hah, and she claims she’s not good with people.

Anyway, what I was saying was that I am so awkward now. I don’t know how to stand, where to stand, what to do, what to wear, what to say, how to say it. It’s like I don’t know anything anymore. I don’t know what I like, what I should like, what’s wrong, what’s right. I’ve always thought I had a strong moral compass, even if I don’t always hold up to my own standards. Now I think I’m like the cheesy Jackie Chan film Who Am I and I’m the Jackie Chan character who wakes up not knowing who he was. Ends up shouting “Whoooooo ammmmm I……” from atop some dusty hill.

It’s quite bad.

I’m 19, I shouldn’t have to go through this again. I’ve paid my dues 5 years ago. Teenage angst is for teenagers and I don’t need my own coming of age drama. Why is it so hard? Why, when I thought I’ve got it all figured out, everything changes? Anyone going through the same thing now?

X.

Credits: Jocelyn Audette

I like the juxtaposition of the clean white against the darker, murkier colours. And both against the Mulan song playing super loudly in the back. It somehow makes the woman more solid and less naked and makes me focus on her red/black hair. Speaking of which, I want to dye my hair red but not lose the black. I don’t want streaks of red and black but for the whole head to be a uniform red and a uniform black. I’m due for a hair cut soon so I’ll see how I’m going to accomplish that.

Ah, all these after A’s. After A’s.

X.

If you’re wondering how I get these messages, I drew them out of a box. I have this box where I put little bible verses in it. It was supposed to help me memorise bible verses where I would pick one out randomly everyday and commit that particular verse to memory. Of course when all these happened, I haven’t really been doing that. I backslided. Then A Levels was around the corner and I got really scared because I didn’t prepared enough (again). And I didn’t think God would help me because I was living in sin and basically can’t think of anything redeeming about my life for God to want to help me.

Still, I was desperate and shameless and ask for God to speak to me, to guide me through the shit hole that I basically custom made for myself.

His first reply:

Psalm 51:1-4

Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion lot out my transgressions. Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight.

I didn’t really understood what He was trying to say so I asked God to clarify. Give me something that I can understand and do. And I drew from my little box again and came up with this:

1 John 1:9

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

I confessed my sin and prayed for forgiveness but everything didn’t seemed alright. Everything still felt like shit. Was I doing something wrong? Or rather, was I doing anything right? His third reply:

Ephesians 6:14-17

Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

Okay, slightly better. I know that I can be alright with God again but I’m still in the deep, troubling shit. Why, God, am I in shit. Why do you allow me to be in shit. And He answers:

James 1:13-15

When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin, when it is full grown, gives birth to death.

Oh, yes yes. I was the one that happily digged this open grave and now I wonder why I was being buried alive. What should I do?! And God, being ever faithful, still delivers:

Proverbs 28:13

He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses them and renounces them finds mercy.

Ephesians 6:11-12

Put on the full armour of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

So basically, it’s me being faithless and hounding God for answers and solutions and quick fixed-its when I need not be in this position in the first place had I followed God’s counsel. Rarr Rarr. And this is God being patient and loving and telling me that I need to stop worrying about the A Levels. That it’s just a manifestation of a bigger problem (quote: struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realm). And He has provided me with what I need to win.

I amazed that God actually bothered to reply a question so frivolous and repeat it so that it gets through my thick skull.

I would have just told myself to sucked it or rubbed it in with a I-told-you-so. I mean I get irritated with myself typing this, so it must have been a lot worse when I was actually asking it and looking for serious answers.

X.

PS: A Levels are almost over, but they’re not over. I have my Econs Paper 1 tomorrow and there’s about another 17 or so of these “conversations”. I’m going to do them later, soon.

And more importantly, why are there so many more who fall for their “reflections” and term it as deep and meaningful?

It’s not deep and it’s definitely not meaningful. Their reflections deal with the superficial (of course, they all try to sound pensive yet enlightened at the same time) and they all arrive at cliche, run of the mill “revelations”. They pass off the latest “cool” opinions on “cool” issues eg. Prop 8, environmentalism, vegan living, etc. as their own and brainlessly quote whatever examples that they were provided with. Brainless suggests that facts were not verified. They mock others as “third rate citizens*”, “uneducated”, “republican and catholic” and view themselves as somewhat of an intellectual.

Pseudo intellectuals are what they are.

Then comes along all their adoring fans- the wannabe pseudo intellectuals- praising them for having put in words such profound truths that they themselves already know, but alas, are too unskilled to express in such moving prose. And then they go on to feed on each other’s “Yes! Yes! Yes! I know! We are so great and humble and educated and the rest who don’t agree with us are so stupid and proud and bigoted” energy.

And I am irritated by both.

Please tell me that you know what I’m talking about?

*Singaporeans’ favourite. Normally goes like this: World class country, third class citizens when what they actually meant was this -> Oh woe is me, I’m such a talented, bright, thinking thing and I am stucked here with the rest of these PAP-voting fools. I am disgusted by my fellow Singaporeans. They make me embarrassed to be a Singaporean. But of course, I’m not embarrassed of being a Singaporean! Au contraire, I’m proud to be a Singaporean!! Because, you know, it’s popular now to be proud of your own heritage. That whole America-Western-Europe-worshipping is so passe.

X.

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

My new motto.

Though, I should probably be mugging till I cough up some spleen instead of broadcasting new mottos.

A Levels in a little over a week! Eeks.

X.